


Abominable Heart

by honeybeeing



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-04
Updated: 2015-10-16
Packaged: 2018-04-18 22:52:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4723304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeybeeing/pseuds/honeybeeing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Fenris is fatally wounded at Sundermount, Hawke allows a demon to possess her to save his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Abominable Heart takes place during Act 3 of Dragon Age II.

Three to one. Two enemies for every one they cut down. The sounds of battle - Fenris roaring, Varric laughing, Isabela taunting, and her own panting - filled her ears. She was exhausted, the blood loss from the lacerations that covered her body were starting to affect her, but she didn't heal herself. She focused on healing Fenris. His body was riddled with arrows and gashes, but he continued to fight ferociously. However, she couldn't help but notice his movements slowing, and his breathing becoming increasingly ragged.

As a healer, she used a spell to focus on his vital signs - his body temperature was low from blood loss and the cold rain that fell on them, his breathing and pulse were fast, but his blood pressure was low - he was dying, but she wouldn't allow death to take him from her. She used another spell to focus on his wounds, and screamed. She could feel every arrow, every wound, as though it were her own. She collapsed to her knees, but she didn't end the spell. Instead, she concentrated on the fast and weak pulse in her ears that wasn't her own. She'd endure anything to ensure it continued.

She didn't have the energy to heal him completely, but she used what energy she had to heal what she could. She screamed with effort and pain - his pain - as she healed him, and collapsed onto her elbows. She felt the arrows being forced from his flesh as his wounds healed, and sobbed with relief when she felt his pulse strengthen. She looked up from the mud she was kneeling in, and watched as he cut down one, two, three bandits. His movements were strong and fast; brutal and beautiful, and she cried as her love for him overwhelmed her.

Lightning flashed. The remaining bandits were retreating and screaming in terror. Fenris chased them, and one of them tripped on an exposed root. The man screamed louder than before, as Fenris ripped the still beating heart from his chest. Blood splattered on them, as Fenris crushed his heart in his clawed gauntlet. Panting, Fenris lowered his hand, and his guard.

Isabela was wiping the rain and blood from her face, when she noticed a shadow lurking behind Fenris. She squinted at it, then her eyes widened. "Fenris!" She screamed, "Fenris! Behind you!"

Fenris's eyes widened, and he turned around to confront the bandit behind him, but he was too slow. Thunder crashed, as the bandit shoved a sword through Fenris's unprotected abdomen, who gasped and then whimpered in pain.

Hawke gasped, too, as his pain ripped through her abdomen. She clutched a hand to her stomach, but the pain there was nothing compared to the pain in her heart, as she watched the bandit pull his sword from the man she loved. Hawke watched, horrified, as Fenris stumbled backward and collapsed on the muddy ground. Hawke didn't notice when Varric put a bolt through the bandit's head. She didn't notice the crippling pain in her abdomen, either. She didn't notice anything except the man she loved writhing in agony.

"Fenrissssssssss!" Hawke screamed. Her voice was as shrill as a banshee's. "Fenrissssssssss!" She screamed again, as she clambered to her feet - stumbling slightly as she slipped in the mud - and ran to his side. She collapsed beside him, and sobbed when his eyes met her's.

"Hawke." He said in a choked whisper. "Shhh." She said, sobbing again, as she gently lifted him into her arms. "It's all right, my love." She murmured, and caressed his cheek, "It's all right. I'm here, and I'm going to heal you." It didn't matter to her that she didn't have the energy to heal him. She would find the energy to heal him.

"Hawke." He repeated, as a trickle of blood spilled from the corner of his mouth. "Hawke, I'm… going to die."

"No." She sobbed, removing her hand from his cheek to place it against his wound, which was wet with blood and rain water. He whimpered in pain, and she whispered, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." She closed her eyes and scrunched her face in concentration, as she tried to force healing magic into the wound, but she couldn't.

"Hawke." He wrapped his cold, wet hand around her wrist. "It's… all right."

"No."

"I… lived a good life, as good as an escaped slave could hope to live, anyway." He smiled through the pain, but she shook her head, and her tears fell on his face with the rain. He released her wrist to wipe the tears from her face with a shaking hand. "I… made friends. I fell in love… with you." She leaned into his touch, shaking with tears. The metal of his gauntlets were uncomfortable against her cheek, but she didn't care. "You taught me to read… and write… and so much more. You taught me that there is more to life than suffering."

"You can't die." She breathed, "You can't." She wrapped her hand around his wrist, and moved his hand from her face to her stomach. "Fenris." She whispered, "You're going to be a father."

Fenris's dimming eyes moved from her face to her stomach, then to her face again. "Really?" He asked, as a smile spread across his paling face. Hawke noticed there was blood in his teeth, and tears in his eyes. "I'm…" He rasped, "I'm… so happy. I wish… I could live to see them."

Fenris's hand slackened, then, and his eyes completely dimmed. "No." Hawke rasped, "No! Fenris! Fenris!" She shook him gently, but he didn't respond. "Fenris! Please! Please!, don't leave me." She pressed her face into the crook of his neck, and breathed against it, "Please, don't. I don't want to live without you."

Lightning flashed, and Hawke tried to heal him again, but her energy hadn't recovered any. She cursed herself for being too weak to save him, and sobbed again, as she pulled his body closer to her's. "Please, maker. Please, have mercy on him. Please, have mercy on me."

There was no answer. There was no sound except the rain falling and her crying.

Then, Hawke heard a voice. "I can help." It said, gently. "I can help, if you'll let me."

"Who are you?" Hawke mouthed, her eyes wide, and staring at nothing.

"I'm someone who can help. Please, let me help."

"Are you a demon?" She whispered.

It was a moment before there was an answer, and there was no sound except the rain falling and her breathing. "I may be. Does it matter?"

Hawke bit her lip. She didn't want to become an abomination. She remembered Anders. How he struggled to control the spirit inside of him. If he struggled to control a spirit, how could she expect to control a demon?

But when she looked into the dead eyes of the man she loved, she knew that she had no choice. She would do anything to save him. He wouldn't like it. He may hate her for it, but she refused to let him die.

"No." She said. "Please, help."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I could title this work Pregnant and Possessed if I wanted to. I'm not going to, but I could.

Hawke had imagined what it might be like for a demon to possess her. She had been tempted to allow one to on more than one occasion. She had imagined being unable to act as the demon twisted her body to match their design, and used it to fulfill their purpose. She couldn't have been prepared for the sensation of a consciousness merging with her own, or experiencing someone else's memories and thoughts as though they were her own. She didn't realize she was screaming, and she didn't hear Varric shouting her name.

Her energy peaked, and her wounds glowed with a purple light, then closed. Her eyes glowed with a purple light, too, as the demon settled. When the possession was complete, she hunched over. She was panting heavily, and sweat mixed with the rain on her forehead. Varric placed a tentative hand on her shoulder, and asked, "Hawke… Hawke, can you hear me?"

Hawke looked at Varric, who gasped and removed his hand when he noticed her eyes glowing. "Hawke… is that you?" He asked, as he took a few steps back. Hawke hesitated. Was it her? She thought it was her, but there was no denying that she was… different.

"…yes." She answered, and her eyes stopped glowing. She looked from Varric to Fenris. "Fenris." She said as desire overwhelmed her. Desire for him to live. Desire for him to love her; to kiss her; to make love to her; to bear his children. Desire she had felt before, but rarely with this intensity. She placed a hand on his abdomen against his wound, and breathed, _"Live."_ as she used the energy the demon provided her to close it. When it healed, she moved her hand to his chest, and used a spell to force his heart to beat again.

Fenris gasped, then coughed and spluttered as his lungs started to function again. He grabbed the wrist over his chest, and the claws on his gauntlet pained her, but she didn't care. She was overwhelmed with relief to see him live again. When she thought his heart was strong enough to beat on its own, she ended the spell, and watched as he breathed heavily.

"Hawke?" Fenris asked. He removed his hand from her wrist, and pushed himself to a sitting position, as he touched his abdomen, where his wound had been. It wasn't there, and when he looked, he noticed that there wasn't even a scar. If it wasn't for the blood staining his tunic, then it would've looked as though it hadn't ever been there at all. He frowned. How had Hawke managed to heal him? She hadn't had the energy to a moment ago.

"Hawke…" Fenris asked, "What did you do?"

What had she done? She stared at him, and his eyes met her eyes. She didn't know. She was confused, or was the demon confused? She didn't know. She couldn't think properly. The sun was too bright behind the clouds. The rain was too cold on her skin. Her hair and robes were too wet and heavy against her. The sensations that had once been normal to her, now overwhelmed her.

Fenris crawled closer, and squeezed her shoulder with his gauntlet. _"Hawke."_ He asked again, _"What did you do?"_

"I healed you." She answered, dazedly.

 _"How?"_ He asked, as the claws of his gauntlet pressed into her shoulder. She whimpered, but he didn't loosen his grip.

She didn't want to tell him. She feared he would hate her, or kill her. She didn't know which would be worse. She couldn't lie to him, though. She could tell from the expression on his face that he already knew. "I…" She started, struggling to find the courage to finish. "I… merged with a fade spirit." She couldn't say that she merged with a demon, but she could say that, at least.

Several seconds passed that felt like an eternity. There was no sound except the rain falling and blood pounding in her ears. Hawke watched Fenris warily, she didn't know how he'd react. Fenris didn't seem to know how to react, either. He didn't loosen or tighten his grip, or remove his hand. He just continued to stare at her with an expression of disbelief.

"You…" He said, "You _what?"_

"I merged with a fade spirit." She repeated, flinching when his expression changed from one of disbelief to one of anger and disgust. He removed his hand from her shoulder, and pushed himself shakily to his feet. "Fenris." Hawke said, but Fenris only shook his head, and started to back away from her.

"Fenris, wait!" Hawke said, as her hand curled into a fist. "Fenris, wait, _please!"_ He was going to abandon her. She knew it, and she desperately wanted to stop him.

Fenris was trembling as he wrapped his arms around himself. He wouldn't look at her. He couldn't. "I don't know you, abomination."

Hawke clutched her chest. His words pierced her like a knife, and she felt like dying, but to her surprise she smiled through it pain. It was unlike her. At least, it was unlike the person she used to be. "Abomination." She repeated, sadly. "It's an ugly word."

"It's what you are." He hissed, lowering his arms and glaring at her as though he hated her. The fingers of her hand tightened in the robes over her chest, and she bit her lip to stop it from trembling. He continued, his voice growing louder, "I suppose that I shouldn't be surprised. You're a mage."

"I did it to save you, Fenris!" Hawke shouted, pounding the ground, disturbing the rain water around her.

Fenris curled his lip as he retorted, "You didn't save me! You betrayed me…" His expression saddened, and his voice softened, "You promised me that you wouldn't… that you wouldn't _ever…"_

 _"You would have died!"_ Hawke screamed, her eyes flashing as she interrupted him in her frustration.

Fenris's eyes met her eyes and he said, "I would've preferred to have died in the arms of the woman I loved, then have to live without her." Then, before she could stop him, he turned and ran.

"Fenris!" Hawke shouted, and cursed as she pushed herself to her feet. She chased him, but he escaped her when she tripped on the hem of her filthy robe, and fell to the ground on her hands and knees.

Varric and Isabela had been chasing Hawke, and when she tripped, Varric was at her side and Isabela was offering her a hand. Hawke didn't accept Isabela's hand, though. Instead, she stared at her hands, but she wasn't seeing them. She was seeing Fenris's anger and disgust. She was hearing it in his voice when he called her 'abomination', and it broke her heart.

Hawke sobbed quietly, it was a pitiful sound, and Isabela sighed and lowered her hand. She kneeled, and petted her as she cried. "I'm sorry, dear." She said, gently. Varric placed his hand on her shaking shoulder, and squeezed it. Hawke knew that there were many things that a witty dwarf like Varric could say in this situation, and she was very grateful he didn't say any of them.

"Wh-What am I going to do now?" Hawke asked between sobs, lifting her head from the ground enough to look at her friends. She wiped the tears and rain from her face on her sleeve, but it didn't do her any good, since her sleeve was wet and dirty, blood and mud smeared on her face. She grunted in frustration, and wiped the blood and mud from her face with her hands as she continued, "H-He's the father of my child." She touched her slightly swollen stomach affectionately, "How am I going to raise it without him?"

Isabela smiled sadly, and continued rubbing her back as she said, "I know a few people with experience doing that. I could introduce you."

"No." Hawke said, shaking her head. She wrapped her arms around herself, and murmured, "You don't understand, Isabela."

"You know," Varric said, "if you want, I could re-introduce him to Bianca. She can be very… influential, when she wants to be."

"No!" Hawke shouted, standing up abruptly, and pushing both of their hands away. "Thank you… but no. Let's…" Hawke sighed, suddenly feeling very, very exhausted. "Let's return to Kirkwall. I have… a lot to think about."

"I suppose you do." Varric said with a chuckle. Hawke starting walking in the direction of Kirkwall, and Varric and Isabela followed her. Hawke had hoped that Varric and Isabela wouldn't talk to her. She wanted to think about what had happened, and what she was going to do about it, but she also needed time alone to… discover herself again. She didn't know who she was anymore, and that bothered her.

However, her companions had a lot of questions for her. "So, Hawke…" Varric said, and she could her the uncertainty in his usually certain voice. "…you 'merged with a fade spirit'?"

"Yes." Hawke said. She knew that, at least.

"So…" Varric asked, as he rubbed the back of his neck, "You're like Blondie now?" Hawke heard the concern in his question. Anders had almost killed a girl when he lost control of his fade spirit. The concern was understandable, but it hurt. She wondered if Varric would abandon her, too. She tightened her grip in the sleeves of her robes, and desperately hoped that that wouldn't happen.

"I don't know." She answered truthfully. Anders had merged with a spirit of justice. She had merged with a demon… of desire, she assumed.

"Just don't… don't let it change you, Hawke."

"It already has." She said. She didn't know how, but she knew that she was different than she was.

Varric didn't say anything else. He was looking at the ground as they continued walking. Isabela was staring at her, and Hawke met her gaze.

"What?" She asked, defensively. She didn't like how she was looking at her, as though she was something she couldn't make sense of. _'Abomination.'_ She remembered hearing Fenris say.

"Nothing." Isabela said with a shrug. "Just… curious. How do you feel?" Hawke looked forward again, thinking about how to answer.

"Strange." She said, "I have memories… of experiences that aren't my own."

"Oh!" Isabela said with a curious smile, "Like what?"

Hawke tried to access the memories that weren't her's, that belonged to the being she now shared her body with. There were memories of a world other than her own. The Fade. The memories were accompanied with the desire to leave, and relief that she wasn't there anymore. She assumed those feelings were the demon's. There were memories of interactions with beings, some she'd call demons and some she'd call spirits, that she couldn't begin to understand. There were memories of previous possessions, of life times of experiences and emotions that was too much for her mind to process.

"The Fade." She whispered. "Demons. Or spirits? Or both?" She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. She was starting to get a headache. "Previous possessions, I think? It's… It's too much. I can't process it." She lowered her hand and shook her head. Then, she gasped as the demon started to explore _her_ memories. She remembered her father teaching her magic. She remembered Lothering, and her father dying there. She remembered the Blight, and Bethany dying. She remembered Gamlen, and working for Athenril. She remembered meeting Varric; Anders; Isabela; Fenris; Merrill. She remembered the Deep Roads, and losing Carver to the Grey Wardens. She remembered Anders rejecting her. Hadriana coming for Fenris. Kissing Fenris. Making love to Fenris. Fenris leaving her. Her mother dying. Fenris comforting her. Isabela abandoning her. Isabela returning. Fighting the Arishok. Killing the Arishok. Becoming the Champion of Kirkwall. She remembered her whole life from beginning to now, and it was beyond overwhelming. She didn't realize she'd collapsed to her knees and had been screaming until she felt Varric shaking her.

"Hawke! Hawke!" He shouted, "Hawke, can you hear me? Hawke!" Hawke gasped again, and stared at Varric. "Varric?" She said, reaching out to touch him. She touched his face, noticing the fear and uncertainty he looked at her with. "I'm here, Hawke." He said. "It's all right. You're safe."

Hawke nodded, and stood shakily to her feet. "What happened?" Isabela asked, and Hawke looked at her warily. "I…" She said, feeling guilt that wasn't her own. She paused, focusing on the feeling. Did the demon feel guilty? "I remembered." She said. "My whole life, from beginning to now. It was… intense."

"I'll say." Varric said, with a nervous chuckle. "When you collapsed and started screaming… Damn it, Hawke. You scared the shit out of me."

 _"I'm sorry."_ She said, in a voice that wasn't entirely her own, as her eyes and veins pulsed purple. Varric and Isabela looked as surprised as Hawke felt. She covered her mouth, and wondered if the demon had apologized to her as she had apologized to Varric. She felt reassurance from the demon that, yes, that is what it'd done.

Cautiously, Hawke said, "…It's all right." and felt appreciation from the demon for her forgiveness. Hawke frowned, thinking that her life was going to be a lot stranger from now on.


End file.
